I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti