@steeve_again

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

@TeflonPawn

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

@DCpierson

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

@OakHill_

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@Love_bug1016

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

@joshandbeyond

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

@RocketRankoon

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot