I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.