i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
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Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard