I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”