I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*sees a truck*
*sees a trucker*
*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.