IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
You Might Also Like
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.