I’m crying im so happy for them
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[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space