I’m crying im so happy for them
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Good morning.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My what?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman