I’m crying im so happy for them
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
How high do the levels go?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Me: release half of one hostage
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.