I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.