I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
What the hell happened here.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’