I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…