@CArmanthegirl Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
@OddMarc I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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@CArmanthegirl 
@itsBABYSMITH no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
@kelkulus The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
@squirrel74wkgn Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
@HiddenPinky Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
@bourgeoisalien the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
@iwearaonesie Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
@HomeProbably My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
@Love_bug1016 What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
@Qwertyings Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.