I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids


The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.


Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.


Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.


the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead


Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless


My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.


What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*


Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.