I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
B
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.