I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
emergency phone
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.