“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
You Might Also Like
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.