I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup