“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.