I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
dads on road-trips be like
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet