I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
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BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
we all know this pain all too well
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
🤣🤣🤣
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.