I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.