I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably