I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.