“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”