I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
You Might Also Like
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too