I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.