I’m dying louder than usual today.
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[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy