I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.