I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
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I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins