I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
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It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.