@AudreyPorne

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

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@gibbet

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

@Marlebean

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

@WilliamAder

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

@sundaecone888

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

@TheOnion

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

@XplodingUnicorn

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

@mrjohndarby

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

@SteveSuckington

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?