I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw