I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too