I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Baking is just science you can eat.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.