I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
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Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
never forget
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup