Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

good news everyone

God has left this place

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late