I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
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If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?