I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
You Might Also Like
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
bad news gang
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
What’s so funny?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors