“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
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Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
the noise i just made
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.