I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Hello Twits.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-