I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
The asteroid..
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.