I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.