I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.