I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
That 👊
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.