I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
You Might Also Like
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*eats only grass-fed donuts
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Golf would be better with landmines.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what