I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
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therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.