I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*