I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
This checks out
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Shortcut
set yourself free xox
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I can’t stop watching this.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame