I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose