I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

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My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.


Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*


A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for


The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious


♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫


Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.



I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.


Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.


Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.