I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.