I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut