I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.