I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
How it started: How it’s going:
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Good point.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband