I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
This is sending me to another galaxy
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.