@Darlainky

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

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@CubanaMama82

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

@daemonic3

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

@Reverend_Scott

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

@DevilryFun

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

@Rainbowbunee

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

@KateWhineHall

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

@CubanaMama82

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

@IamEnidColeslaw

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

@ShootyDoody

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.