I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
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Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5: The good ones do.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Her: I saved you that part.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.