I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.


Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.


NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?


job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them


My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.


Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food


Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.


If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.


it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses


Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.