I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Solving a traffic jam
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-