I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.