I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.