I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
